ESCAPE.

Normally when people see me, what do they see? Do they see i'm always smiling? Perhaps they always hear a happy tone from my voice? When someone is with me, how do they feel? Do they feel good? Do they feel that i'm friendly with them and makes them happy? When people ask for help from me, don't i go to them as fast as i can? Don't i help people sincerely? Don't i try my best to make them feel better?

Maybe i did. Maybe not. This don't apply to everyone out there who have met me.

Right now,

i need help.

Right now,

i'm beyond depressed. i'm shattered. It is something beyond my control, beyond my grasps. It is not my power to stop what is happening. I can stop it, only if i'm intended to. I'm intended, but there is no courage.

Yesterday, after all the doubts and crushed, you walked with me. It doesn't matter where, you were determined to come although you shouldn't, but you walked with me. No question that i'm keeping personal details out of this, such as our actions. Through all that, you still wont leave.

I'm amazed. But i'm not buying it. Whats left of everything has left me as well. I'm a mere friend now, that's what if feels to me. I have no courage to specifically tell you why, where and how it went wrong. But part of it, you knew. Yet, you will never change. It's obvious and something that i have to accept and let it go. Let everything go.

Right now, i have no more feeling. i wished i knew where those feeling went, i lost it. I wished i knew how to catch it back, but i don't plan to. I wished it didn't have to be you who face pain once again as much as i do, but it happens.

Everything happens for a reason.

This reason, we both know why. You tried too hard, yet you complain to me and expect me to do something to compensate the effort you've put in. How can I ? How can i do that when i myself don't think it is worth anymore effort? The past effort that i've put in order to make you realised, and yet, you didn't. When it's too late, you try your best, tried too hard to save it. Thus....it slips off from your fingers like sand caught blown away by the wind, like water dripping to the ground although you tried to save a drop, yet....gravity stole it from you.

Everything happens, for many reasons.

I tried to love you again, i couldn't. I don't know what is love anymore. My heart is only wrecked by the pain which you have planted in it from your past deeds. My mind is shadowed by the continuous selfish and abusive actions and thoughts you have non-reluctantly showed me.

Though you're a good man. A fine man who could spare a ladies feelings, who knows how to make a person feel better when their hurt, you know how to say some right words at some right times.

You are not up to the par yet. No, i'm not expecting you to be perfect, i'm not expecting you to be so great. Sometimes, i have to tell you things that common sense is in the picture. Things a lady do not need to tell a man what to do. Sometimes, i feel that because you are guided too much by your own family, you're not so capable of thinking for yourself that much. Sometimes i felt that way, i don't have anything against your family. I'm not trying to bad mouth.

But i just can't take it anymore. You know when you do something that annoys your girl, yet you still do it again and again. You say you'll stop, but at the same time, you think it's nothing wrong, you think why should i stop when i'm so used to doing it, it triggers no harm to me?

But it triggers harm to a person's heart. It hurts the person, yet , do you bother? I don't think so.

Like today, you brought back up the topic again. I felt like a knife just stabbed me right in the middle of my heart because of what you were doing. You were asking the impossible. Seeking the insanity. You were asking things i couldn't answer you, yet, you made it like as though everything is fine, in your point of view. I could not answer, i was devastated.

I realized, I'm giving you a false hope. False hope that is so high, it is higher then KLCC. What my friend said was right, you have too high hopes for nothing. I don't know how to tell you anymore. I want it to be over, but at the same time, i am feeling guilty. I'm hurting you, but i can't stand it anymore when things are just so....false.

I need a place to run, to get rid of this nightmare. I need to ESCAPE.